My Trials & Tribulations of Writing for Chuck Klosterman

Chuck Klosterman is a writer for Esquire and Spin magazines. He has a monthly column on ESPN’s Page 2, and contributes to the New York Times Magazine. He has released three books, Fargo Rock City, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, and Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story. His first book, Fargo Rock City, is a memoir about growing up in North Dakota and being fascinated with bands like Guns N’ Roses and Kiss. The critically acclaimed Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, his second book, is a collection of essays ranging from topics from his hatred for soccer to an analysis of the effects of The Real World on American life. Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story documents a road trip across America to different death sites of famous rock musicians. The book is his collection of thoughts and a retelling of the events after the trip (hence the "85% of a True Story" bit).

That’s who he is. I am Connor Simpson. I am a grade 11 student and an aspiring writer. My connection with Chuck Klosterman is something that I am both ashamed and proud of. It all started in mid-November. I was assigned a new project for my English writing class. Our job was to pick one of three topics and do a research essay on the topic that we chose. I chose to do an essay on one of my favourite writers. After e-mailing various writers that I am a fan of, and not getting anything back, I caught a break. After e-mailing the editors at Esquire magazine, asking for a connection to talk with Chuck, they responded. I jumped out of my chair. They gave me his e-mail address and I was on my way. I had a bunch of questions thought up, but I had one slight problem lurking ahead of me.

The first thing you need to know is that I usually delete my e-mails if they are unimportant, or don’t have any sentimental value. This has never gotten me into any trouble before, or caused me any inconvenience. After saving Chuck’s e-mail address in my Hotmail address book, writing it down on my hand, and writing it down on a piece of paper, I was ready. Nothing could get in my way. I was about to interview one of my favourite writers of the moment. "This is so cool," I thought. After writing my first e-mail, it took him a while to respond. I spelt out in the e mail who I was, what I was doing, and that I hoped he would respond. I figured he was busy writing some important big magazine article, or living in New York and seeing a whole bunch of bands that my hipster friends will be telling me are the new Rolling Stones sometime in the next six months. After a few days he replied. The e-mail read, "Um ... how did you get this address, "Connor Simpson"?" not only was he questioning my motives, but he was questioning my name. This crushed me, but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as what was to come.

I replied, explaining that I got his e-mail address from the editors at Esquire, and that I really am "Connor Simpson". His response was in my inbox the very next day. "Okay. Just forward me the e-mail you received from Esquire." After bragging to my friends (only one of whom had ever heard of Klosterman), I wasn’t going to get my interview because I deleted a damned e-mail. One stupid, ridiculously short e-mail. I wasn’t very happy. I quickly replied, explaining the situation and hoping that he would be okay with it. I tried to come off as sincere as possible, and I guess it worked. He replied and said I could interview him.

Over the next few days, we exchanged e-mails. He gave surprisingly good responses to my questions. I borrowed a bunch of old issues of Spin from a friend of mine, dug out my copy of Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, and I was ready to start my essay. After finishing the interview, I told Chuck that I would e-mail him the essay once I was finished. Not a good move on my part. We wrote the essay in class, and were not allowed to take it home. I finished it, but it was no where near the quality I was hoping for. I had to take it home and rewrite a lot of it. That was my plan. That’s not what happened.

I got my essay back, and got a decent mark on it. I was happy with my mark, but wasn’t so happy with my essay. It was really bad. Very amateurish, and it didn’t show my talents as a writer as I hoped it would. I couldn’t e-mail this to him. He’s a big writer for two magazines who, if I had a ton of luck, would work for someday. I had to really improve this essay.

This task proved harder than first expected. Every time I sat down to write the essay, I got stuck thinking about the thesis statement. I wanted every word perfect, I felt like that one sentence was going to make or break my essay. I spent most of my time thinking about it, even when I wasn’t sitting down writing the essay. I spent the majority of my free time thinking about two things in December and January: how to write my thesis statement for my Klosterman essay, and whatever girl I fancied at the time.

Around Christmas time and New Year’s, I wasn’t as focussed on the essay as I was before, and with January being the end of the first semester at school, I was fairly busy with school work. Two Klosterman related things happened over Christmas: I received Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and a subscription to Spin for Christmas. I have managed to write up to the second paragraph of the essay, but I am still lost. I am not sure of where I want to take it. With an odd blend of social life, school work, girls, life, frustration, and procrastination, I have made it to April, and my essay is far from finished. I have come to accept that I will probably not finish the essay, so instead I wrote this.

I loved Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, and I recommend you read it too. To Chuck, I apologize for not e mailing you. I apologize for not explaining why it has taken me so long to reply to you. I probably won’t finish the essay, it wasn’t that good. I’ve written this instead, in an attempt to finally be done with this. I got the My Morning Jacket CD that you recommended to me, I like it a lot. I tried to find the Hold Steady CD, but I haven’t found a store in my province or ones around it that has even heard of the band. I hope you like this essay, and I hope this explains why you never got a reply from me.

The Interview with Chuck Klosterman

I exchanged e-mails with Chuck Klosterman back in December and he answered questions for me. I was doing an English project on my favourite author, he is one of them. This a transcript:

Q: Uhm, what do you find is your strength in your writing?

A: Clarity. I think my writing is very clear, which is a quality most writers ignore. I also think I possess I good understanding of punctuation (and that's actually a huge component of clarity).

Q: You write on a monthly basis for two different magazines. How do you decide what to write about in your articles?

A: I just try to create ideas that are interesting to me; it's impossible to anticipate what will be entertaining to other people, so I simply try to come up with topics that I find amusing or intriguing. SPIN is a music magazine, so those columns are obviously musical. Esquire is a general interest publication, so I suppose I try to find topics that are "generally interesting." When I do stuff for ESPN, I write about sports. This is not rocket science.

Q: Which magazine do you enjoy writing for more?

A: My favorite magazine to write for is The New York Times Magazine. However, I generally prefer book writing to magazine writing.

Q: When are you releasing another book? Or, are you going to release another book?

A: I have an anthology of my past work that's coming out next September. After that, I suspect I will try to write a novel, but we'll have to see how that goes.

Q: I was first introduced to you by your exchanges with Bill Simmons, how did you an Bill meet?A: You know, I don't remember. One day we just started e-mailing each other; I don't remember who made first contact. But that's really our entire relationship -- we've only had drinks together once. We just sporadically e-mail each other. It's a very casual friendship.

Q: What would you say to aspiring writers who want to make it big as columnists? How do you react to people who say that you made them want to write?

A: Well, I guess I would say, "Make sure you understand your own motivations." If your desire is to be successful or famous, you will never be happy, because those goals can never be satisfied; no matter how famous you become, you will inevitably meet people more successful than you are, so you'll never feel any differently about yourself. If your primary goal is to influence people, you better be certain that you're right about everything (which probably means you're insane). The only good reason for becoming a writer is that *you love to write.* The only part of being an author I always enjoy is the actual typing. As a consequence, I've never had to work a day in my entire life. And if I have created the desire to write within the minds of other people, that fact makes me extremely happy and wildly flattered. I'm just a dude, dude. I'm nobody special.

Q: And we'll end this wave with something that I've been wondering for a while, what did you do to Mark Ames? And how did you react to that article? (A little side note for those who don't know, Mark Ames wrote an article in the New York Press and can be found here: http://www.nypress.com/16/35/news&columns/feature.cfm

A: I have never met that guy and I don't know anything about him, beyond the fact that he is apparently obsessed with me. Personal failure makes people do crazy things, and he is a rather glaring example of that reality.

Q: Who do you feel is the best young rock and roll band out right now?

A: Probably the Secret Machines.

Q: What band do you feel people should listen to more?

A: I don't feel there is *any* band people SHOULD listen to more. There is no single element of culture that is essential; nobody inherently deserves to be heard more than anyone else.

Q: If you were to recommend to me a band you think I should hear right now that I probably haven't, who would you recommend?

A: The Hold Steady.

Q: What is your favorite album that was released within the past 6 months?

A: Hmm, that would mean "since June," I suppose. I would say "Z" by My Morning Jacket.

Q: I should also say that I loved your article in Esquire. It made me think, a lot. The one line that really caught my eye was, "I realize the situation in new Orleans was immediately politicized, because that's the only way modern Americans can deal with anything complex." That one line caught my eye, and made me think and revise the way I thought about everything that happened in NO. The main question that you were asking in the article intrigued me, "Are people fundamentally rational, or are people fundamentally irrational?" It made me think. I just thought you should know.

A: Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And these are good questions.

Q: And one final question for this round, who influenced you to become a writer, and how did you get to where you are today?

A: I'm not sure I have any influences that I am conscious of. I mean, I'm certain hundreds of writers have had an impact on me, but there was never anyone I wanted to write like. In a way, I actually feel like any influences is dangerous. The only person I have ever wanted to me was myself. And as for the question of "How did I get where I am today?" ... well, I don't know (and I'm totally honest when I say that). I'm not even sure where I am! But if you need an answer, this one is probably the most true: I worked hard, and I got lucky. You know, so much of life is dictated by random chance; you never know when you are suddenly going to have an opportunity to succeed. You never know when your personal window is going to slide open. But the difference between me and a lot of other people is that I was always ready for that to happen. Don't sleep.

Controversygate

Controversy is a living, thriving, recurring thing in today’s popular culture. It seems to happen everyday. It has no prejudice towards sports, politics, music, movies, or books. Controversy has always been an aspect in popular culture. Controversy adds spice to life, makes life interesting. If people didn’t cause controversy, there would be very little to talk about.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy controversy just as much as the next person. But there has been a trend in the media that has been wearing thin on me for the past little while, and has come to a climax after this past weekend. I like to call the trend Controversygate. It seems like every time there is a controversial event or a disputed decision in sports or movies or music that the media likes to make up a (supposedly) witty title for it, using a word related to the scandal, and throwing "gate" on at the end of it. The earliest recollection that this writer has of the Controversygate phenomenon happened in January of 2005 when Justin Timberlake ripped apart Janet Jackson’s bra, exposing her right boob to (supposedly) a billion people. The event was referred to as "nipplegate" in the media. I had no problem with it then, and I have no problem with it now.

This method of recognizing events has been used many times since then. I didn’t care so much at first. But as Johnny Bravo says, "This is startin’ to get really old, really fast." The most recent using of the "________gate" system was after the NBA Dunk Contest. It is being debated if Nate Robinson, the 5'9" guard from New York, should have won. Supposedly, after his opponent did his final dunk, one of the judges initially put up a ten as his score. Allegedly, he then put down the ten and put up a nine. In doing so, Nate’s opponent’s final score was 46. He needed a 47 to tie Nate. When I was watching my favourite television show Monday evening, Pardon the Interruption, they were referring to the event as Dunkgate. I preceded to shove twelve inch sowing needles into my eyes.

I ask of you to put a stop to this ridiculous trend in the media. Stop Controversygate from ever happening again. Post on the message boards, respond to your favourite blogs, e-mail your favourite writers. Do something, please! Help me put a stop to Controversygate once and for all.

My Olympic Notebook

Instead of boring you with one column on one boring Olympic topic that you’ve probably been drowned with already, I’ve decided to just write a few quick things about a few of my favourite topics about the Olympic games:

Michelle Kwan - She never earned her right to be there in the first place. She did the right thing (eventually) by backing out and letting Emily Hughes skate.

Shaun "The Flying Tomato" White - He has become America’s Golden Boy of the Olympics. He was a household name for about three days, and rightfully so. Sasha Cohen better watch out!
The Canadian Hockey Team - I’m not feeling it this year. I’m not sure if they’ve got the skills to pay the bills. But hey! What do I know? I thought Seattle was going to get their butts handed to them.

The Announcers for Women’s Snowboarding - They sound so uncomfortable. They try so hard to incorporate snowboarding slang into what they’re saying, it makes them sound terrible.

Pierre McGuire Commentating American Hockey -The only way this could get any more awkward is if Canada and the US face off in a meaningful game on NBC. They’ll either lock him in a closet before hand or cut his mic half way through the third period.

Shani Davis Versus Chad Hedrick - This has to be my favourite storyline of the games so far. Shani Davis is the American who won the 1000m speedskating event. There seems to be a bonafide hatred between the two teammates. I loved how Shani beat Chad in the 1500m race on Tuesday. I’m siding with Shani on this whole thing.

Bode Miller - This is such a huge disappointment. I like athletes who talk the talk. I like T.O., I like Deion Sanders, I like Chad Johnson, I like Roy Jones. The difference between Bode Miller and those cats? At the end of the day, the T.O.’s of the world get the job done. Bode Miller is a chump.

The Watch

Let me start off by apologizing to the Seattle Seahawk fans of the world. I disrespected Seattle, and they let me know it. But that’s in the past, onto the future! We’re heading into March, and I hope you all know what that means... It’s March Madness Time! Get your brackets filled and passed into whoever may be running your pool. I have Gonzaga and ‘Nova going far,
I have for the past two years. My early dark horse is Georgetown. On Saturday, February 25th, Fernando Vargas and Shane Mosley go head-to-head in a highly anticipated showdown. I’m not that excited for this fight. They’re both past their primes, but it has potential. On April 5th, "Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather and Zab "Super" Judah square off. I would love to see this fight. Both are the prime jive talkers in boxing, so it should be a very entertaining fight. The first World Baseball Classic starts in early March. The regular season of baseball doesn’t start until April 2nd.

Just a reminder for everyone to check out my blog. I’m posting all of these articles on it and will hopefully start posting regularly this month. Please respond to any articles that are already posted. If you think I’m a complete tool, tell me. The address is connorsportswatch.blogspot.com . That’s all I’ve got for this month. Ciao.

Can someone pass the salt?

"Eat Your Words!"
-Muhammad Ali, pointing to the press directly after knocking out Sonny Liston to win the Heavyweight championship of the World.

I’m not even sure where to start. I now know how the press felt after Ali beat Liston. Well not entirely, and it won’t have the same significance. It’s not like the Seahawks are going to go on and be the most dominant team in football over the next fifteen years or anything, but by golly did I call that one wrong. The Seahawks made me eat my words, and every bite went down hard. Shaun Alexander came up big for his team, and so did Matt Hasselbeck. My compliments go to the Seahawks, they played a great game.

Connor's Sports Watch

The second installment of Connor’s Sports Watch is here! Every year during the first week of February, there’s this football game. It’s called the Super Bowl. Every year, countless numbers of guys and girls (yes, some girls do watch the game) will gather at the house of which has the largest television to watch the game. Four great teams remain, and if the match up that The Watch wants to happen comes into actualization (Pittsburgh vs. Carolina), than it should be one helluva game. Right after football season comes to a close, the Olympics begin. It should be fun, even though the Olympics are only competitive because the media makes us think they are. The hockey should be fun, but with the lack of rivalries in sports, it won’t be as exciting as everyone remembers. Everyone should be watching Sports-Centre every morning so they can see if Alexander Ovechkin scored another miracle goal like he did the other night. If you haven’t seen it already, you should get on the net as fast as possible to find a clip of it. I was saying it in the beginning, this kid is going to be better than Crosby! Look for my boy, Shaun White, to sweep the Halfpipe and Slope Style competitions at the X-Games in early February. The NCAA Basketball season is under way. If you want to give yourself that extra edge in your March Madness pool, I suggest you tune into some of these games. The Watch will be back in mid-February to tell you everything you need to know about what’s coming up. Adios.

I would also like to apologize for not posting as often as I said I would. I have a few things done up that will be up in a few days. Also, I made it so that even if you don't have a blogspot account, you can still respond to the articles. I didn't know when I first did it that you couldn't.

The Rules of the Road

If someone had come up to me 19 weeks ago and told me that Denver, Pittsburgh, Carolina and Seattle were going to be the last four teams remaining before the Super Bowl, I would have openly laughed in their face. I would have told them that they didn’t know anything about football and that there were only two real teams who were in contention for the Super Bowl; those two teams being New England and Indianapolis. But no, not even the NFL referees could stop the Colts from losing on Sunday. Even with one of the most obviously biassed calls in the history of sport, the Colts still couldn’t even force OT. But enough about how much I hate the Colts, and how Peyton threw his whole team under the bus, and more onto who is still in the Playoffs! I’m going break down the things that each team needs to go to get a ticket to the Grand-Daddy of them All. I call them, The Rules of the Road.

Carolina - Julius Peppers needs to have his A game on Sunday when you go up against Shaun Alexander and the Seahawks. But the MVP isn’t the only problem he has to worry about, Peppers also has to be able to shut down Matt Hasselback when they aren’t giving the ball to Alexander. And there’s that one receiver, what his name again? Steve Smith? Yeah, him. He’ll need to play like he always does on Sunday.

Denver - Champ Bailey needs to show up like he did on Sunday again. Other than that, the only things standing in their way are the fact that they’re playing against the Steelers on the road, and Ben Roethlisberger’s beard.

Pittsburgh - If you have faith in the bearded one, than a Super Bowl game you will play in. Troy Polamalu will need to hold onto the ball for a full minute without being tackled after his interceptions for the refs to say he had possession. Keep the Bus out of the first half of the game, at least. He won’t do well in Denver’s conditions. Waiting to unleash him in the last half of the game is a wise idea.

Seattle - Seattle needs Shaun Alexander to play on Sunday, they’re doomed if he doesn’t. Carolina won’t have any problems playing in the rain. I can’t come up with much hope for them. Lets be blunt, they won’t get past Carolina. I know that, you know that, they know that. So who are we kidding.

Have fun and enjoy the Super Bowl!

The Passing From the King to the Prince

If you know me well enough, at all, or know someone who knows me, you probably know I’m a boxing fan. I’m not just a casual fan either. I love the sport. I watch as many fights as I can, either on Pay-Per-View or on the rebroadcast. The sport isn’t getting as much attention as it deserves, and a lot of really good fighters aren’t getting the press they deserve. So what does this have to do with my article? Well I’ll tell you, on Saturday, December 3rd Jermain "Bad Intentions" Taylor and Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins were facing each other in a rematch of their first fight. I had the pleasure of sitting down and watching the fight on a 52 inch plasma screen television. I will now guide you through the aw-inspiring and yawn-inspiring events of the night.

The Back Story

Going into their fight last July, Bernard Hopkins hadn’t lost a fight in 20 years. The guy he lost to went on to win titles in three more weight divisions and drew comparisons to Muhammad Ali. Bernard Hopkins held all of the middleweight title belts. Jermain Taylor was the up-and-comer, the "heir-apparent" to the middleweight thrown. In a thrilling bout, Jermain Taylor won by unanimous decision. The bout was shrouded in controversy, and Bernard Hopkins didn’t even wait to sleep and watch the fight again to start whining and claimed he was robbed. A rematch was necessary, and the date was set for December 3rd.

Before the fight

The before the fight ceremony is usually good for two things: the Stare-Down, and Michael Buffer. But this fight had something special. It had R. Kelly. That is right, the sex-tape-leakin’ soap-opera-music-video-makin’ child-molestation-chargin’ son of a gun himself was singing the national anthem. No one really knew what to expect. I’m having trouble putting this into words, you just had to see it.

Round 1

The first round was pretty weak. There isn’t that much action, and the crowd told them that. Taylor was the only one throwing punches, and a lot of them were dirty shots. This isn’t like him. He’s usually a clean puncher. I’m not impressed. I gave this round to Taylor, only because he punched more than Bernard.

Round 2

Nothing is happening, the first two minutes of this round were horrible to watch. Taylor is starting to come on in the last minute, or at least it seems like it. He’s landing good punches to the body, and that’s why I gave this round to him.

Round 3

They’re actually fighting. It’s a miracle. It’s not pretty, but they’re punching each other. The first actual exchanges happen in this round. Jermain lands a nice kidney shot at the 10 second mark. The whole room cringed after the punch. I gave this round to Hopkins, he seemed to win the majority of the exchanges.

Round 4

Taylor lands a nice right hand at the start of this round. The only action here is us finally coming to the conclusion that the ref must have a microphone. We can hear him just as well as the announcers. Taylor lands some good punches in this round, and does more than enough to win it on my card.

Round 5

Taylor is starting to work his jab on Bernard, and it’s spawning more exchanges. Easily the most exciting round so far. There is a lot of good action in this round, but Jermain is landing at a much higher rate than Bernard is. According to the punch counter, Hopkins landed more power shots in this round. I still thought that Taylor won the round though.

Round 6

Shortly after the round starts, there is a nice exchange between the two fighters. Taylor seems to be imposing his jab on Hopkins. Taylor got caught by a nice hook, and Hopkins looked to follow it up. He missed two or three punches and almost fell between the ropes. I’m not sure that’s what Hopkins was looking for. There was another nice exchange at the end of the round. Taylor seemed to own this round, except for that one punch. One punch doesn’t win a round though, and this round goes to Taylor. When it showed Bernard Hopkins’ corner in between the rounds, his trainer was actually calling him "X."

Round 7

Nothing much happened in this round. X landed a nice right at the start of the round. I gave this round to X. This is that one round in the fight where you get up and get another bag of chips or refill your drink or go to the bathroom. I chose to go to the bathroom.

Round 8

The eighth round is a little bit more exciting than the seventh. X opens up the round with a big right hand to the head. The referee is doing a good job in the fight, keeping both fighters in check. There has been more hugging during the fight than at a family reunion. Taylor is starting to work his jab again in this round. X lands low near the end of the round. The exchanges have been getting better as the fight goes on. I’m actually sitting up now, trying to look half excited. Taylor has a beautiful three punch combo at the end of the round. It’s a toss up, but I gave it to Taylor.

Round 9

This round definitely went to X. There was no question, he opened up the round with a huge right hand to the head. He had a nice combo in the middle of the round. X just out boxed him in this round.

Round 10

X seems to be having another good round, he is landing more punches than Jermain is. Jermain isn’t throwing as much as he did in the other rounds. X won this round too, that’s two in a row.

Round 11

There seems to be a faster start to this round than the other ten. Taylor is landing good combos at the start of the round. Taylor is working his right hand. There is a huge right upper cut for Taylor in this round. Nice over hand right for Taylor. Taylor gets caught by a big left hand while looking at the referee about something. The crowd stands up after the punch. Taylor responds with a nice combination, cemented with a good left hand at the end. This round most definitely went to Taylor.

The Final Round

X opens up the action in the last round (which he desperately needs if he wants to win) with a ...low blow? It was disappointing to say the least. The referee gives him a warning, but doesn’t take off any points or anything. Taylor gets caught by a nice right hand, and his legs wobble for a moment. An exciting exchange follows with Taylor weathering the storm. X seems to be uninterested in following up any of his punches. He only seems to be interested in landing one punch at a time. The round closes with an impeccable four punch combination for Jermain Taylor. This round most definitely went to Jermain.

The Decision and the Talk After the Fight

The fighters both went back to there corners and celebrated with their camps. I scored the bout 116 to 112 for Jermain Taylor. Michael Buffer came out and delivered the judges’ decision. All three judges scored the bout 115 to 113 for Jermain Taylor! Michael Buffer delivered a great performance. I expect nothing less from the man. Michael Buffer is the eighth wonder of the world.

In the post fight interviews Jermain Taylor admitted he didn’t fight as well as he could have. He gave himself a B for the fight. He showed a ton of class, complimenting Bernard Hopkins and saying that he fought well. I wish I could say the same about X. At no point in his post fight interview did I hear him give Taylor any credit for fighting better than he did or that Taylor did enough to win the fight. He just complained and said that he thought he won the fight.

Looking back now, I probably should have picked a better fight to introduce everyone to the world of modern boxing. The fight wasn’t as good as I had hoped for, but it still provided for a little bit of entertainment. Jermain Taylor is the next great middleweight fighter, and should be a household name by the end of 2006. I just ask that you all remember that you heard it here, from me first.

Hello everyone,
I've gotten fed up with the circulation, or lack there of, of the school newspaper adn I've decided to go underground and start up a blog!!! I'll be posting one to two columns a week. They will mostly have to do with sports, but I think either this month or next I am going to start reviewing a cd every month or two weeks. My first column(s) will be up on Wednesday.
Thank you and goodnight,
Connor